so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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