My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
