It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
