how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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