I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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