sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
