i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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