I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
