I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
