bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
