I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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