Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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