A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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