I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
