After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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