Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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