So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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