did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
