i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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