Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
