I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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