I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Sponge bath it is.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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