You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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