I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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