you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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