Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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