i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
