I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
