Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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