Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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