Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
