A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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