Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
