You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
