There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
