You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
