I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
