just tell him i said nine months
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
