sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
