Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize