sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
