I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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