i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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