Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
