Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
