Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
