just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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