Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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