its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
His nipple licking is glorious
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