I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
