I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
